Yeah. This is going to be another entry about how broken hearted I am over my ex. So. Probably save your time and wait for the next one. It’s just sucks…all advice ever says you’re supposed to share your feelings…and it’s not like I don’t want to, but I’ve never liked to. Not when it has to do with me being upset. I feel like when I talk about stuff like that, I’m just asking people to feel sorry for me, and screw that. But I just feel so goddamn sad, and I don’t know what to do about it. Once or twice I’ve posted something on Twitter or Facebook, that makes it pretty clear something is up, but not what exactly…and I hate myself for doing that too, because again, it just feels like I’m begging for attention. However stupid it sounds though, it helps a little. I’m talking in circles.
I had to hear him tell her ‘I love you’ today. He came by to pick up the rest of his stuff, and stayed to talk for a little bit, and I’ve been doing so fucking good, and then his phone rang, and I should have walked away like I did the last time he was here and his phone when off, because seriously, what higher being did I piss off enough to deserve that? Not two weeks ago, that’s who I was waking up next to, the person that I was talking about a future with, the person that I would given everything and done anything for..not two weeks ago, ‘I love you’ was ours. And now it’s theirs. It’s not like I didn’t know that. It’s not like she’s some random chick he walked out on me for. I know it was theirs before…and whatever. I get it. I’m not stupid. But to sit there, and listen to him tell her that, and not completely lose it……that’s just not fair. And then he sat there and told me I was still in his heart, he still loved me, he’s waiting…almost wanting her to screw it up so we can make us work. What the fuck. How the hell am I supposed to handle that? He said he’s with her, because he can’t not give his family a chance. He can’t just go the rest of his life not knowing if his family had worked out if he gave them the chance. And I get that. But why couldn’t he just leave it at that? What am I supposed to do with that knowledge? I still love you and hope she screws up too? What the fuck good does that do? I….I just don’t know. I’m hurt, and I’m tired of being hurt, and I want so many things, and I don’t know what I want at all.
And I need more tequila.
I don’t really know how to deal with being hurt. I’ve never been hurt like this in my life. I’ve seen a few of my exes go through it…because maybe I don’t know to leave well enough alone. Maybe I will from now on. The first ones way to deal was to try and drink everything away. I’ve dabbled in that method, but alcohol affects me way to adversely to be able to really rely on it, which is good I guess. That’s why this is my second drink tonight, and not my 7th. ‘Cuz trust me, after today, I could be 14 in and still not have had enough. The way the other person dealt with it was holding on. But, from what I’ve seen, that’s pretty much the worst thing to do, if feeling better is your goal. Which…isn’t surprising considering the masochistic streak this person suffers from. He asked me, when we officially broke up, if I wanted him to stay for a little while, because he wanted to make sure I was okay. And I did. My god, I did. I wanted to curl up in his arms, and just have everything right in the world for 2 more seconds if I could have them….but I knew, that even if it felt like it, even if I got one more weeks, day, moment…it would be a lie. Just because he was there, didn’t mean everything wasn’t happening. It didn’t mean I wasn’t losing him. So, as much as I wanted him to stay, I knew that the reason I wanted him to stay was because I wanted him to stay, and no matter how long he stayed…he was still going to go…and I would know that, and it would just hurt so much more to pretend, so I told him to go. And it helped. I still hurt, but it felt like more of a healing hurt once he was gone, instead of just a hurt, hurt.
But then he comes here today and fucks it all up. He absentmindedly called me ‘baby’ as he was getting the rest of his things today. That didn’t sting or anything. And then he tells me that. Well, many thats, technically. Ass. I still love you. I want to be with you. I want you to be happy. I want you to be happy. I wish it had been you and I before her and I. I’m waiting for her to mess up so I can leave. I don’t know what to do with all of that. That stuff isn’t supposed to come up after a breakup. He also said something along the lines of this…I’m sorry, but I’m doing you a favor, because you’re going to be so much stronger after this.
But, as fucked up as it is, part of me agrees with him. I hate feeling like this, but I’m not broken yet. There’s a morbid part of me that wants to know how much I can take. Probably not a good road to go down….
Beware of Spot.